It’s Been Five Minutes. Why Don’t I Feel Better Yet?

There was a commercial several years ago for, I believe, Citibank that showed a man at the gym. He weighs himself, runs around the gym once, and then weighs himself again. Not so surprisingly, but to his extreme disappointment, he hasn’t lost a pound.

This is me. I’m not a patient person. That said, I can’t understand why my life hasn’t already improved dramatically considering that I haven’t ingested any gluten in almost SEVENTY-TWO HOURS!

(Speaking of dramatic…)

I should be a completely different person by now, right?

Wrong.

Allegedly, it can take 6-8 weeks to completely cleanse your body of all those glutenous particles. (Apparently those boogers are harder to get rid of than Jack Black at an all-you-can-eat buffet.) Then, once your body is completely gluten-free, it can take another 6-8 weeks for your body to heal itself.

So, basically, in order to discern if gluten is really your kryptonite, you could be looking at a 16 week process – or as I like to call it, forever.

In order to further illustrate my point, let’s take a moment to examine what else one can accomplish in four months. You could:

·         gestate almost half a baby

·         watch two full seasons of Downton Abbey in real time

·         learn a new language

·         build a house

·         lose 20 pounds

And speaking of losing 20 pounds, if I could make that happen while simultaneously ridding myself of the evil gluten, I’d be a happy(ish) camper. Obviously it’s not my primary motivation, but it sure would be a nice byproduct.

In the meantime, my main goal is to just get through tomorrow.

May the odds be ever in my favor.

Gluten-Free Is the New Black

Have you ever thrown your hands up in the air and said, “I give up! I just can’t do this anymore!” and then immediately collapsed on the floor in a pile of sobs and snot? I would imagine that the New Year – with the relentless bombardment of ads for diet programs, exercise equipment, and dating websites, as well as the constant resolution-making (and breaking) – inspires these types of moments in households across the globe. My household is no different. In fact, I’ve only pulled myself together long enough to write this blog; if you’re looking for me later, just follow the sniffles to the back of my closet.

On my road to self-improvement, I’ve given up carbs, fat, fun, sugar, joy, caffeine, and my will to live, but with no actual noticeable improvements to my life (and when you’re giving up caffeine, you better believe you want a MAJOR pay-off on the other end to make it worthwhile). It seems the one thing I’ve fought forgoing is gluten. Why? I’m not entirely sure. It seemed like a lot of work; gluten is pretty much in everything - and a lot of times it’s hidden, like a Highlights Hidden Pictures Puzzle - even, I've learned, in some medications(!). Anyway, if I truly had a gluten allergy, I would know, right?

Then I did a little research. (In retrospect, perhaps the research should have come before I ruled out a gluten allergy, but I’ve never been one to do things the easy – or smart – way.) I have to admit that I was surprised at what I found. Gluten is a Latin word which, not so surprisingly, means glue. Also not surprising? Eating “glue” can wreak havoc on your body, specifically your digestive system. (Add that to the list of things I wish I could go back and tell my 5-year-old self.) 

Here are some symptoms of a gluten allergy:

  

·         Diarrhea and/or constipation

·         Heartburn and/or "stomach ache"

·         Bloating

·         Flatulence

·         Joint pain

·         Fatigue

·         Brain fog

·         Headaches (including migraine)

·         Rashes and/or eczema

·         Depression/anxiety

·         Tingling in arms and legs

·         Difficulty losing weight

Without getting too personal (after all, we've just met), I oftentimes find myself suffering from many of the above and have always attributed it to other things: poor circulation; dry skin; lack of sleep, fiber and/or water; etc. Don’t get me wrong, that may still be the case, but because I’m tired of feeling, for lack of a better word, icky – and because I’m trés trendy – I’m going to hop this gluten-free train. And if you find yourself in a similar situation, I hope you'll consider hopping it with me. (Misery loves company.)

Regardless, I look forward to sharing my journey with you: my victories, my defeats, my frustrations, my discoveries, my accomplishments, and, let's be honest, my many, many tears. (I'm a crier.) Here's hoping that we all come out on the other side of this healthier, happier, smarter, more athletic, more beautiful, richer, funnier, kinder and with shinier hair - or, at the very least, happier and healthier. It does sound a bit too easy: that all the evils of the world, or more specifically, my body, can be eliminated by removing this one thing from my diet, but, it’s worth a shot. At this point, I’d dye my hair purple and get a face tattoo of Justin Bieber if I thought it would make me feel better.  

But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.